My son was a twin, and his twins heart beat ceased at approx 14 weeks. Doctors told me to think of it as a secondary lobe to my placenta. I was at all times discouraged from thinking about it as a child, as a lost life.
This extended to every part of my obstetric care and aftercare. So much so that when I gave birth to my son, a screen was erected around my waist. As it was my first baby I assumed this was a normal part of the second stage of labour?! I held my son to me, and was told my the midwifery team to 'focus on my beautiful healthy baby boy'. I was exhausted. Disorientated. Delivery of my deceased baby, along with the placenta was painful and yet completely detached. I can only describe as somehow hidden from me.
I remember asking 'what happens now', to which I was told, 'nothing - you practice gratitude for that beautiful baby boy.'
I always acknowledge that my son was a twin and yet I have the deepest sadness that I never was able to honour that life. I didn't consent to what happened to me that day, and I now know I was at every juncture denied the grief of losing a child. Through therapy I have come to terms with that loss, and am able to allow myself the space to think about that child, without the shame that I am somehow being 'ungrateful' for my healthy son.
I have since had friends who have had miscarriages and who are supported and encouraged to feel their grief. I am so happy that this means that my experience wasn't necessarily typical, but if I'm honest, it hurts all the more. I have asked myself a thousand times if I would have even wanted to see it, name it or have a ceremony to mark its existence. Maybe I would have chosen not to do any of those things. But at least I'd have chosen. The medical professions who 'cared' for me violently stripped me of that choice, not accidentally, but purposefully and I will never truly understand why.
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